because not all bite marks are nice bite marks

phewwwwwwwwwwww what a day,
i had a very eventful day yesterday which left me quite surprised and a bit confuddled. firstly before we go on i don't think of myself as very attractive, i think i'm pretty but i am the girl who sat in the library during her breaks in high school, i am certainly not what you would call a 'popular' girl,i am not cool, i am a semi closet geek. most of my younger teenage years were full of social awkwardness. i haven't particulay grown out of this, i still find small talk tedious etc, however since i have been home and today i have met three different guys who have taken an interest in me( i am not including the builder who wolf whistled at me, but to be honest its been a while since that happened), this leaves me slightly rabbit in headlightsish, and happy but still slightly confused at the whole situation.
i'll start at the beginning

i went to see the anthony gormley exhibit at the hayward gallery.

GO SEE IT. IT IS FANTASTIC. SERIOUSLY HE IS AMAZING. blind light is such an experience go just for that thoguh his steel sculptures are amazing upstairs it will be the blind light exhibit which will draw you back.

but back to my point.

at the gallery my friend and i got talking to the gallery attendant, young, shorter than me but had very blue eyes.bit pretentious but he worked at an art gallery so what did i expect but he was quite nice had a bit of verbal dioherra which i don't know was natural or just that he was trying to impress us but anyway when we we wandering back to go into blind light a second time he asked me out.

in my experience i have found that within the first 5 minutes of meeting a potetial guy you know how 'far' he will get with you.

so i had considered what would say if he did ask me , hence when he did i said yes and wasn't rabbit in headlights, so we're gonig to meet for drinks on saturday which i think will be interesting but i was drawn towards him more when he used the word 'shinanigans' in a text.

but when i went out last night to the weekly bar which does rock night, i met my ex, which was ok in person, better than i'd hoped not as awkward as i'd thoguht. there was a big group of us mostly guys and so there was casual friendly flirting. one of my ex's friends was there and he seemed very interested but meh, ( hopefuuly this in't too confusing) that friend also brought another friend,M, who i ended up hitting it off with.

so M and i were talking and flirting with lots of casual touching or arms and backs etc. also being so loud in the bar we had to lean in very close to each oher. and he was nice, he made me laugh and we were having big 'philasophical converations with lots of arm waving, which as we know i am quite attracted to. anyone who can keep up with my exagerated hand gestures gets brownie points in my book.
then one thing led to another and we were kissing, somewhat more aggressively than i would have prefered, hence the bite marks on the inside of my mouuth and gums. but we were getting a bit carried away, just kissing but quite heavily. then my ex came over and told me to get a room and that i was a whore.... woot.

i then told him where to go, as i felt that it was none of his business, which it wasn't. M was quite understanding, and we were just leaning there to which he simply asked
" so do you do this sort of thing regularly?"
"no"
"do you go to random pubs and dragging guys into corner all the time?"
"no"
"then your not a whore then, are you?"

*or something very simular to that, memory evades his exact questioins*
i liked him alot better for that, i mean i liked him already but still.

so yeah i got his number, we agreed to tone it down. my ex texted me telling me i was a whore. i went back to my friends , and M is taking me to dinner on sunday.he's a bit of a smoothe talker and problably a player but we'll see i'll probalby be more careful when i see him again when less copious amount of alcohol are involved.

but i was actually quite upset. one of my new resolutions is not to be so judgemental of others, its so easy but alo i should know better, hence when i was called a whore i felt very angry.

there is such a double standard on guys and girls she's a whore he's a stud. it sucks. but i feel fine with myself. i don't regret what i have done, which in the grand scheme of things could have been alot huger, i mean i could have been sleeping with guys left right and centre! which i haven't. and i don't need anyone telling mewhat i can and can't do i am perfectly capapble of deciding for myself thank you very much. i haven't had a one night stand or anything as dramatic as that, and i feel infuriated that i should be judged becasue for the first time i've gone out, being releativly recently single, had a good time and then been vindicated for it.

yes i wouldn't have been happy if i'd seen my ex all over someone else but the bar is a big place he didn't have to be near me, i resent the implication that i am a huge whore, just for being young and wanting to have a good time.
grrrrrrrrrrrr

****************
and this is all from a girl who can tell you what happens in 'blake 7' and all the names of the characters in star trek next gen and voyager.

yes quite strange,

ok this was a very long post and very personal, and probably made little sense but i hope it was semi interesting.
to all those who know me i am happy to hear your views. i respect honesty as you well know but then i expect nothing less from my friends :)

next a nice post on girl law i think.

life is so much more complex when sex is involved. isn't that the truth.

USA USA

chant it now with me peeps because we are feeling PATriotic.

well as much as i can be as i'm a brit mwahahahaha but thats another story, i'm rambling in circls its the heat. ok ...breathe

i'm in vancouver island at the mo in canda and its all good very hot we've been drving alot but also shopping and i have bought cd's and i mean lots of CHEAP cd's mwahahahah, its all very nice and warm but i've been in the car alot so i haven't been exactly tanning. but never mind but i did se something i thought rachel would apreciate.
in ....think brain think... seattle we were driving throguh the city, otherwise i would have taken a pic, was a billboard for abbacrombie and fitch. on this billboard we two gloriously muscular and topless men. ..... yum.
but the pint of this is that in a discusion that you never saw men using their bodies to aderytise anything ( i'm paraphrasing i know)as woman in society are persived as sexy. when there are many woman out there who ewould also like to see naked men. (again paraphrasing)

aslo the seattle art museum is called SAM whic i thought was çool.
btw rach i also got the next few in the 'bitten series 'by keeley armstrong. and lots of new book s for u and kirsten to read.

see u all soon thinking of u xxxxxxx

lalalalala happy posts

becasue i am going to america baby! woo woo, and my past two posts have been depressing but i'm not depressed hence, lalalalalalalalalala

i like stuff and house and south park and more stuff and the shield which i want season three of and fantastic books,
btw kirsten, the book u lent me is strange and ranty and not in a good way, its interesting don't get me wrong but i dislike being lectured on my method of contraception but i'm only half way throguh but tis interesting thanx *glomp*

xxxx

a loss of identity.

since the break up last week. i have been in a wierd limbo, some days are better than others. some days i don't think about him at all. others, well they aren't so easy.

point is i miss him, and tough it was all for the best and all the rest of it i do. but i'm now not sure if i miss him or the idea of him, whether i just want the contact and the comfort and the security or him. i think it is alot of both.

we had a falling out on sunday, so i haven't spoken to him but as always there is a fun twist where as he owes me ( or rather my dad) money and i want it as my pa has been asking. so i figure i'm going to wait itll next week for things to quite down and meet up with him then, ( also i'm busy til next week , convinient)

but also recently i have found myself alot more un sure of myself and i don't feel like i have an identity or that a large part of me is missing so i have to fill that whole again. now this all sounds incredible dependant on someone, which quite frankly it was. ant made me feel safe.

if we were meeting new people i knew i could sit back while he went and was random and then i could come over later and chat and talk etc already having built a good groundway as ants girlfriend. well not any more obviously but i digress thats only a small matter.

but what i'm tryingto say if that i can see how someone could go 'off the rails' and do all kinds of crazy things (spontaneous tattoos, etc) but its just tryingto createthat balence of being just yourself again, and now that you don't have to make so many compromises and work together with soemone else it can be strange to adjust.

a metaphor that came to mind is the yin yang sin, be always see then together but once they split yang has got to become a whole circle again and re create parts of herself, we find it hard to imagine yang on its own( go on try)

ok i'm rambling alot i'll go now on a bright side its not all doom and gloom my frineds rae being lovely especially emma. but i'm dealing as you do and some day i won't be just dealing i'll be ok but thats probably not for a while. and i'm gonig on holiday soon so i'll be busy being in another country and not thinking about him. etc

xxxxxxxx

single, woo woo woo thats how i want to be?!?

damn natasha beddingfield i can't stop thinking of that song, it doesn't actually apply at all ( i don't particuarly like being single) but still i can't stop thinking avout it.

it is very strangeto be newly single after almost 2 years and i was only a young thing before so i can't exactly say well i've done it beofre, because i was damn miserable when i was, but thats merely a sideline.

but yes it is very strange and weird and i now feel as thoguh i should go and find someone else immediatly! now! now! all good men will disappear at the count of five! i know this is silly and therfore am not going to 'hump' the first thing i see common sense prevails again. however one thing i did find was i was on the bus and i had one of these moments, i heard the dolcit tones of some heavy metal band being played on a mobile so i looked up and there were three young men, my interest peaked and then plummeted as i saw two of them had mullets..... how about no. oh well i guess it was going to happen the first men i look at through newly single eyes have to be hideous.

sigh, i may add that to my list of 'dealbreakers' so far i have'smoking' and 'short' oh well never mind

i'm surviving.

xxxx

kerrang? we need to have a word!

a word? ....now come closer...yes thats it...LINKIN PARK ONLY 3 K'S! ARE YOU MAD? AND MCR 4K'S? THEY FINISHED EARLY!!! ok.... breathe...breathe...

IMHO linkin park gig was the best i have ever been 2 and i've been to quite few. iron maiden have the best visual show but linkin park are amazing.


i think i have to go and calm down, get my blood pressure to a reasonable rate...

oh poo, i forgot about the zombie day,

damn.

however i have a good reason honest.... bad personal life etc. and.....watching much to much house :) lol oh dear.