a loss of identity.

since the break up last week. i have been in a wierd limbo, some days are better than others. some days i don't think about him at all. others, well they aren't so easy.

point is i miss him, and tough it was all for the best and all the rest of it i do. but i'm now not sure if i miss him or the idea of him, whether i just want the contact and the comfort and the security or him. i think it is alot of both.

we had a falling out on sunday, so i haven't spoken to him but as always there is a fun twist where as he owes me ( or rather my dad) money and i want it as my pa has been asking. so i figure i'm going to wait itll next week for things to quite down and meet up with him then, ( also i'm busy til next week , convinient)

but also recently i have found myself alot more un sure of myself and i don't feel like i have an identity or that a large part of me is missing so i have to fill that whole again. now this all sounds incredible dependant on someone, which quite frankly it was. ant made me feel safe.

if we were meeting new people i knew i could sit back while he went and was random and then i could come over later and chat and talk etc already having built a good groundway as ants girlfriend. well not any more obviously but i digress thats only a small matter.

but what i'm tryingto say if that i can see how someone could go 'off the rails' and do all kinds of crazy things (spontaneous tattoos, etc) but its just tryingto createthat balence of being just yourself again, and now that you don't have to make so many compromises and work together with soemone else it can be strange to adjust.

a metaphor that came to mind is the yin yang sin, be always see then together but once they split yang has got to become a whole circle again and re create parts of herself, we find it hard to imagine yang on its own( go on try)

ok i'm rambling alot i'll go now on a bright side its not all doom and gloom my frineds rae being lovely especially emma. but i'm dealing as you do and some day i won't be just dealing i'll be ok but thats probably not for a while. and i'm gonig on holiday soon so i'll be busy being in another country and not thinking about him. etc

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