M has alot of things going on in his life, big stuff and stuff of course about money, he recently lsot his job which is never good and things look to go bad to worse,
he hasn't told me all this stuff, i know the bones of it, but i he's been "protecting" me and not telling me some stuff.he says he doesn't want to burdurn me with this stuff and that i'll get scared and run away. so we had a long talk last night, i told him that it felt like he didn't have any faith in our relationship if he's not telling me this stuff, we've been having 'big picture' talks , not seriously but weve been having them. and i felt if he wasn't telling me this stuff now casue he thinks i'm gonna run then 'big picture' talks are redundant.
so yes thats quite a self absorbed view when all this crap is happening to him and i know that but i think it is an issue non the less.
but here's the thing. i want to tell him i'm not gonig to run and that its all gonig to be ok and be there for him, but i have this part of me which wants to stand in the corner and point and go, urrrghhhhh! like some kind of pod hatching alien.i don't want to run but the entire situation freaks me out a bit. i know from previous experience that being someones emotional crutch isn't all it claims to be. and i want to be there but i can't ignore this mini freak out that is going on in my head becasue surly then i lose some of my identity and just become "M's girlfriend" ( as someone who i'd met once called me, i was not pleased.) i don't know. i don't want this to be a repeat of last time, different face same situation.
and i do love him, but i'm feeling al these emotions but i don't know what they are i just know i'm feeling something. something that is a scary thing, its frustrating becasue i can't put a name to it and then i act all illogical ( i know me gonig towards logical) and can't explain it.
.......
sigh.
oh well tea and talk will help i am sure and in the mean time i have to convince m i'm not running away.
i have the emotional age of a lego block.
Monday 29 October 2007
update
uni is ok, kinda calmed down as bit, so its all goin well, i love braille, it is so cool it may well be my new mini obsession. :)
life is ok went to a fun halloween party and was nominated as best dressed femalke which made me really happy, i went as an angel and m went as a devil. he had horns sticking out of his hat and was in a suit, i wore these gorgeous feather wings i borrowed and a quite low cut top and lots of shimmer. :D, but i knew only 5 peope there. m and his friends but then i got a little drunk so it was all good.
it is christmas time again and that means simon is back to work. simon is a manager where i work and we get on well cause he is lovely and we have a flirty relationship which is fun. you may remember i mentioned him last year but yeah thats just a nice thing thats happening at work, i have to put in foe over time now as otherwise i will be sitting on my thumbs earning no momey over xmas.
wanted to go see nightmare beofrte xmas but am bit annoyed as the last showing is at 4.45 and in wimbledon, which is a pig to get to quickly so annoyed about that but never mind.
i have a new double bed, which is lovely and big so am rolling around with m and on my own :).
possbily should post these things in separate blogs but thats long oh well.
life is ok went to a fun halloween party and was nominated as best dressed femalke which made me really happy, i went as an angel and m went as a devil. he had horns sticking out of his hat and was in a suit, i wore these gorgeous feather wings i borrowed and a quite low cut top and lots of shimmer. :D, but i knew only 5 peope there. m and his friends but then i got a little drunk so it was all good.
it is christmas time again and that means simon is back to work. simon is a manager where i work and we get on well cause he is lovely and we have a flirty relationship which is fun. you may remember i mentioned him last year but yeah thats just a nice thing thats happening at work, i have to put in foe over time now as otherwise i will be sitting on my thumbs earning no momey over xmas.
wanted to go see nightmare beofrte xmas but am bit annoyed as the last showing is at 4.45 and in wimbledon, which is a pig to get to quickly so annoyed about that but never mind.
i have a new double bed, which is lovely and big so am rolling around with m and on my own :).
possbily should post these things in separate blogs but thats long oh well.
Monday 15 October 2007
just quickly
uni is intensive and stressful and i need to work harder and do more work but yeah just qucikly
avenue Q wednesday 7th of nov, looking 4ward 2 that. and korn in january and erotica in nov (must book tickets)and driving lessons. and for all of this i have no money it is sad i keep shopping and splurging.
but yay went to amora! in london and resisted buying a leather rose but it was fun and quite intimate somewhere ( semiobviously) you should take your bf/gf. or just go for education. it is very educational. i quite liked the spanking manequin also the orgasm corridor. as there is a big video showing peoples cum faces. glad i'm not the only one who looks like a retard.
but the shop assistant in there was so lovely and VERY open and graphic and filthy mouthed and fantastic. so lesbien convosations ensued and which was better a fireman or a policeman and this girl was lovely and very entertaining and she's younger than me, which kinda freaked me out and she has very varied sex life much more than mine...
never mind so she is lovely and i love yo sushi ( see how i switched topic like that) and i bow dow n to the revolving plates and converor belt of tuna!!!!
i love tuna!!!! it is so gorgoeus and fantastic and sexy and mwah!
anyway i'm not a strange freak...ok yes i am but still.
avenue Q wednesday 7th of nov, looking 4ward 2 that. and korn in january and erotica in nov (must book tickets)and driving lessons. and for all of this i have no money it is sad i keep shopping and splurging.
but yay went to amora! in london and resisted buying a leather rose but it was fun and quite intimate somewhere ( semiobviously) you should take your bf/gf. or just go for education. it is very educational. i quite liked the spanking manequin also the orgasm corridor. as there is a big video showing peoples cum faces. glad i'm not the only one who looks like a retard.
but the shop assistant in there was so lovely and VERY open and graphic and filthy mouthed and fantastic. so lesbien convosations ensued and which was better a fireman or a policeman and this girl was lovely and very entertaining and she's younger than me, which kinda freaked me out and she has very varied sex life much more than mine...
never mind so she is lovely and i love yo sushi ( see how i switched topic like that) and i bow dow n to the revolving plates and converor belt of tuna!!!!
i love tuna!!!! it is so gorgoeus and fantastic and sexy and mwah!
anyway i'm not a strange freak...ok yes i am but still.
Emma
i miss her ALOT.
and i got all sad last night thinknig about her and a bit teary. maybe it wwas becasue it was very late or that i relised she'd only been gone a month but yeah it seems i can't see her now without gwetting sad. didn't expect to miss her so much so its all just a bit wierd and strange.
M keeps asking if i want to talk about it. i don't there's nothing to say. but yeah oh this is so silly i'm getting emotional thinknig about it.
and peeps went up a week or so ago and i couldn't becasue i'm working and it makes me sad.
and i got all sad last night thinknig about her and a bit teary. maybe it wwas becasue it was very late or that i relised she'd only been gone a month but yeah it seems i can't see her now without gwetting sad. didn't expect to miss her so much so its all just a bit wierd and strange.
M keeps asking if i want to talk about it. i don't there's nothing to say. but yeah oh this is so silly i'm getting emotional thinknig about it.
and peeps went up a week or so ago and i couldn't becasue i'm working and it makes me sad.
Monday 1 October 2007
first day
i am feeling better. there is less flu and more running in Meadows
so yay the first day of my degree and i can smell the money i am paying for it. but i'm sure thats jsut me and that will fade in time. the first day was actually really fun ,cambers has had a makeover over summer and looks all new and plush which is nice. and having a little tour round the site we have much more stuff than i thought.
we have a forge!!!!!! how fucking cool is that i can work in metal if i want!!!
but i digress peeps seem nice, its all a little awkward and forced at the moment . ..its like people are being really nice in an overtly sarcastic way but they mean it and aren't being sarcastic. i think but this is only to some of the people not as the class as a general.
i am very much reading my Tudor books at the moment'the virgin's lover' by Philipa Gregory. which personally isn't my favourite of her books but is still very absorbing and at the moment we are going to war with France ands Scotland and its all very exciting and i dislike Robert Dudley. but then i think overall i have the moral upper hand.
well..
he's dead (he was in the reign of Elizabeth I and
he's a fictional character so HA!
but i should save my judgement for after the end of the book he may wildly redeem himself... yeah right.
pottery is coming along nicely, i have just finished a nice piece in the sahpe of jigsaw pieces that i quite like which i may use as coasters arround my room. and i got some otherthings back form pottery but the glazing didn't go so well. butthe shapewas still nice it was a pity.
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
so yay the first day of my degree and i can smell the money i am paying for it. but i'm sure thats jsut me and that will fade in time. the first day was actually really fun ,cambers has had a makeover over summer and looks all new and plush which is nice. and having a little tour round the site we have much more stuff than i thought.
we have a forge!!!!!! how fucking cool is that i can work in metal if i want!!!
but i digress peeps seem nice, its all a little awkward and forced at the moment . ..its like people are being really nice in an overtly sarcastic way but they mean it and aren't being sarcastic. i think but this is only to some of the people not as the class as a general.
i am very much reading my Tudor books at the moment'the virgin's lover' by Philipa Gregory. which personally isn't my favourite of her books but is still very absorbing and at the moment we are going to war with France ands Scotland and its all very exciting and i dislike Robert Dudley. but then i think overall i have the moral upper hand.
well..
he's dead (he was in the reign of Elizabeth I and
he's a fictional character so HA!
but i should save my judgement for after the end of the book he may wildly redeem himself... yeah right.
pottery is coming along nicely, i have just finished a nice piece in the sahpe of jigsaw pieces that i quite like which i may use as coasters arround my room. and i got some otherthings back form pottery but the glazing didn't go so well. butthe shapewas still nice it was a pity.
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
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